It seems I say this a little less frequently these days, growing old has some benefit, but when self doubt forces itself into my subconsciousness, like it is today, I can feel those two words bubble back of my throat, bringing me to tears. In the past, on days like today, I would pack up all of my photography equipment, put it by the front door, and inform my wife that its over, everything is for sale.
Thankfully, I'm cheap and no one is gullible enough to pay full value when they sense desperation, which is kind of beneficial, since I always change my mind, and often.
Why can I never see self doubt coming? I think I'm pretty bright and sensitive to everything around me but I am always surprised to stand in the eye of the storm. I can never see the storm clouds coming. They come quick. They come announced. There is no chance to rely on the Weather Network.
I am beginning to see an emerging pattern though. It is as though my personal universe wants to correct itself.
I've had some incredible conversations with some amazing people this week and I believe that for the first time in a long time, I am making some traction in my entrepreneurial dreams.
This seems then to be the time when self doubt and self loathing becomes unbearably fierce.
I see all the mistakes. I see all my regrets and failures. I see all the people who did me wrong. I can hear everyone laughing. I can feel their stares. I can see total failure gathering around the next corner. It is all so vivid. It feels so personal and real.
Today, my feelings are shitting all over my shiny dreams.
I have read recently that it is futile to try and conquer self doubt. I just need to say thank you and continue living.
Tomorrow is another day and I am going to give the reinforcing army some time to arrive.
I will hold the battleground.