I’m sad to report that this entry has no mention of lolly pops, only resistance.
I was warned about resistance.
I was told how real it was and warned of its unyielding ferocity. I knew that eventually it would gather its forces and come after me. Like a Trojan horse. A saboteur that lives on the inside.
I am still in the middle of a storm. It is not a physical storm, although it certainly has physical manifestations. It is a life changing tempest that resists my new-found life.
Sometime in February, shortly after I decided to take writing seriously, I developed hemorrhoids.
For my younger readers, I should explain that hemorrhoids are swollen blood vessels in the rectum or anus. Sometimes, oh joy, they swell so much that the vein walls become stretched, thin, and irritated by passing bowel movements.
This is not gradual, either. One minute, you are ordering a coffee, and the next your ass is on fire, and there is nothing you can do to soothe the pain. You’re not even home. You have an hour drive head of you, before you put in a full day at work.
I know what you’re thinking. I may not be able to finish my Cheese Danish, and for that I am truly sorry.
Imagine for a moment if you stuck a few firecrackers between your cheeks and set them off one by one. It is amazing how different life is when your anus hates you.
The funny thing is, I never missed a gym session. I still woke up at four o’clock in the morning, and continued with my regular routine. I reasoned that the pain was just as painful if I worked out or not, so I might as well have a trimmer ass at the end of it all.
There was no need losing two battles, but it was not easy.
I tried everything.
I tried the Ointment creams that comes in the tube. I tried the anal suppository pills. I tried every type of pain relief. Sometimes I would do all of it at the same time, hoping that maybe as a unified force, they would figure it out.
Sometimes, and don’t think less of me, I even tried shoving ice cubes down there.
Good God, that was not a fun eight weeks.
It took a good two months for me to finally feel human again, and be able to sit for any length of time. Immediately afterwards I also developed some kind of a weird sinus infection.
I need to be honest with you. The sinus infection and the re-emergence of my spring allergies halted my workouts. The resistance won that round.
I have not been in the gym for almost two weeks.
Today is day two of trying to get back in the groove. I am finally back on the treadmill and lifting weights like I should.
I’m no hero. Certainly, sticking ice cubes down your underwear taints my early admission.
I decided to be open and honest about this because the resistance is real.
We sabotage ourselves.
We are our worst enemy.
What the resistance has taught me, as unpleasant as it may be to read, is that I seem to have some tenacity. I’m knew I had the passion, but the tenacity with which I am pursuing my dreams, I have never experienced.
Something is truly different.
I seemed to have awoken from a long nap, to a dream that remained dormant for so long.
I hope it doesn’t come to an end.
I hope I continue to explore the limitless possibility of living. I hope I become a badass. I hope I have finally becoming fully human, fully alive.
I hope the fire crackers are behind me (hehe).