There is a big difference between knowing and doing. A great chasm between understanding something and being able to act upon on it. This is probably why life is so frustrating and rewarding all at the same time, and why I feel the sting of this chasm all the time.
I know what I need to do. I see it. I know it. I am ready for all the necessary steps to take and diligently hold the many threads that lead to action. I know exactly what I to do, and yet only a few moments later, perhaps the next day, or the day after that, I revert back to the way things were, against my better judgement, I fall back on my old habits, as though I was somebody else.
I feel like I have multiple personalities sometimes. Not the kind where you have to see someone to help you distinguish between what is real and what is not, but the kind that make it difficult to move in the right direction.
My multiple personalities don’t have names and I never talk to them, nor do they talk to me, but they are real. Sometimes my life feels like a long, particularly bloody chapter of Game of Thrones, or a beautifully violent Soprano’s episode.
Why is it that we are capable of knowing where we need to go and yet can’t will ourselves to get there? Why am I so weak when it comes to food? I can sniff out the smallest grain of sugar, no matter how well hidden, and have it in my mouth faster than the speed of light. And light travels damn fast! 350,000 kilometres per second!
Where does my patience go? Where do my ideas go? My self control? My dreams and self determination? Why is it so hard sometimes to follow through on things that feel so simple only the day before? So obvious, and so attainable.
I don’t have any answers.
And its not just food.
This never ending struggle rages on in all aspects of my life. It is a petulant tug of war. A nightmarish rollercoaster ride as dependable as the rising sun.
I may not have any answers but I have learned to handle it better.
I’ve become fascinated by how I behave, especially when I fail miserably.
It’s fascinating. Not too pleasant, but very fascinating.
I no longer quit, which always only made it worse.
I no longer give up, which only makes the pendulum swing seem longer and deeper.
I have learned to get up again. No matter how I feel, how I look, or how much icing sugar is caked upon my face.
I think this is the winning formula I have been longing for my entire life.
Life is a struggle. It was supposed to be a struggle. It will always be a struggle. The maker always intended for us to feel the push and pull of all of existence.
We are acted upon as much as we act upon.
Life is a beautiful struggle.
And why shouldn’t it be?
Who are we to oppose it?
Learn not to quit.
Learn to give yourself another day.
Get up and go at it again.
It is really worth it.
There is nothing like it, when you finally break through, and see what lies on the other side.
Cover photo generously provided by photographer Andres F Uran via unsplash.com