I don’t usually dream.
Though occasionally they do seep through, but typically, my head hits the pillow and the next thing I know its time to get up again.
Sometimes I sit back and listen enviously as people retell their dreams with such vivid detail, because it all sounds so entertaining and fun. It all seems so exciting and thrilling to have a chance to watch your very own private Hollywood thriller. It gives private screening a whole new meaning.
But sometimes the only thing on the bill are night terrors.
Such was the case last night.
There was no particular reason for this, although that is probably not true.
I have been threatening my subconscious mind for a while now, or my inner child, I’m not really sure which, that I am going to brazenly publish a book shortly. And not just a book, but a whole series of books, hoping to help other people, just like me, dig for deeper meaning in their life.
In the last few days I printed my official manuscript and carefully organized all the pages in a bright yellow duo-tang folder. I have began the final process of getting all the loose pieces of thought together so they can be handed over to my editor mid week.
Holding that manuscript in my hands felt a bit surreal. I can only vaguely remember writing any of the words, yet here they are, for better or for worse.
I think that was the reason for my night terrors.
The manuscript was the trigger for me terrible dreams.
Through the night people I didn’t know were coming at me relentlessly, accusing me of being a fake and a fraud. It was like being back in grade school, when hoards of spoiled little children would gang up on me and tell me that I didn’t belong in this country. That I will never speak English properly. That I’m not worth the breath I breathe.
I couldn’t shake these night terrors last night. I just kept tossing and turning. I kept going back and forth. Continually being chased and chased and chased.
I finally stopped running and defending myself at 4:02 am, when I was finally shaken from my sleep. I have grown to love that time of early morning, but this is especially true today.
I’m not really sure what to do with any of this or why I am sharing this, other than perhaps you can relate to my story.
I am stubborn and will no deviate from what I intend to do. No matter what, I have to see this project of my through to the very end.
To be honest, I’m not really confident enough that it will take me anywhere, or make any difference to anyone, but I learned not to get ahead of myself, and that the reason we do certain things aren’t always clear at the very start. We never know why we do what we do, and where it will ultimately lead us. We just have to see this thing through to the end.
I am truly amazed at the night terrors that met me last night and all the terrible thoughts that clearly lurk somewhere deep inside of me.
I am so grateful that the sun chased them away.
I also feel for all those people whose night terrors never go away. For those whose night terrors turn and seep into their daily life. Those nightmares can really stifle and choke you. It feels like there is very little you can can do about it. It must feel helpless not being able to shake yourself awake from a living nightmare.
I find writing helps. Prayer and meditation are not bad either. Surrounding yourself with positive people is of immense help. Cutting down on all the noise that is perpetually present all around us is non negotiable.
I wish you a wonderful day.
I wish you continuous pleasant dreams.
Stay close to the meaning in your life.
Fight night terrors with courage and purpose.