I think I know who I am and it feels damn good.
Really, really good.
But I still stumble in the dark sometimes.
There are days and long stretches of time when I don’t feel quite good enough. I feel like a complete failure. Like a roulette wheel of mistakes. Always coming up red, black, and short.
It took a long time to find some peace. It took almost half a century to become comfortable with my own skin. I am not really sure how I got here, or why I’m blessed to be here but I am finally appreciating life for what it really is. Not for what I want it or desire it to be, but for what it is. For its possibilities.
I don’t want to change.
I don’t want life to change either.
I don’t mean that I don’t want to grow. I’m not full of myself. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I no longer want to be or live someone else’s life.
I want my life.
I want to be who I am.
I am who I am.
I don’t want to go back and change my past. I don’t want to get back and fix my mistakes. To alter my path. I don’t want to change a single day, or even the most minuscule moment. I just want a lot more time.
I didn’t say a little because this is not a time to be modest. I want a long full life.
I want more time with the people I love. The people who love me and make me smile and laugh. I want to enjoy my family and friends who so quietly and assuringly hold me up and help me be who I am.
I want a long life to become who I am meant to be.
To choose to be who I am meant to be.
I want to embrace the best of humanity.
I’m not interested in all the wars and conflicts that will continue to rage. There will always be other stupid reason to kill and destroy. Another reason to crush people’s spirit and I’m not interested in any of the ugly things we will do to one another or the ugly things we are capable of doing to ourselves.
I am only interested in the beautiful human spirit.
The spirit to explore our solar system and all the secrets it harbours.
I am interested in all of the new novels, poems, songs, paintings and scientific discoveries we can’t help but create. And with the same seven notes, I might add. The same three colours, and the same twenty six letters of the alphabet.
I am who I am, but who are you?
Do you love yourself? Love yourself long enough to let go of your mistakes and have the courage not be defined by any of them? Do you call yourself names when no one is listening? Bear a smile that barely holds up your crumbling facade?
Do you see yourself as not quite good enough? Can you see your many talents? That you have so much to meaningfully share or contribute?
You are not a mere servant. You are not a cog in a wheel. You are not an insignificant grain of sand on a piece of sandpaper. So don’t let the bastards use your life to smooth out the rough edges of life that don’t need smoothing.
Know or discover who you are.
Stop chasing a life that is not your own.
Stop being who you were never meant to be.
Be still. Be not afraid.
Reflect a little. Believe a little.
Fall in love with the possibilities of your life.
Discover who you are, because it feels good.
Really, really good.
Really, damn good.
Cover photo generously provided by photographer Aman Bhargava via unsplash.com