Changing your life is joyous and exciting, unless of course, you are kicking a dirty habit, then you will hack and say a few expletives, and inevitably get the willies. If you’re not swimming in the weeded side of the habitual river, then everything should appear very clear and discernible. Everything will be ready for the taking. Your world will be one of possibility and abundance.
Then, the earth takes a few rotations around the sun, and seemingly overnight, it will ruin everything.
As it lands on you, and your dreams descend down the downward spiral, you will begin to slowly lose grip of that initial joyous ecstasy that comes with the very first few steps.
The contrast is very stark.
Speaking from experience, this is the moment it all ends for me. Call it a temporary lapse of reason, a childish flight of fantasy, or something utterly pragmatic. At this exact moment, I can always sense, much needed relief, and want to be spared the inevitable future disappointments, which would have come, I am sure, no matter how hard I tried this time.
We tell ourselves, as we turn our back on our new adventures and wave goodbye to the possibilities, that it is much better to know this was a crazy idea, than to wait until much later, and be taunted by the laughter of our peers.
This is exactly how I come to quit things.
This is how I have always done it.
But patience seems to help in my battle with my temptations.
I don’t want to quit anymore. I want to fight the resistance. I want to slay the dragon.
I am tired of never getting to the end. I am tired of dreaming but never being able to take a single step inside those dreams. I don’t want the weekend. I want the full week. I don’t want to be rich. I just want to be able to go and experience life at a higher frequency. To go where my heart leads me. To do what God has offered me.
I have decided that this time, it will be different. I know how absurd it sounds with my track record, but I feel that a curtain has been finally lifted from my eyes and I can see clearly now. Yes, the rain is gone.
I cannot see the future but I also no longer gaze on the past. I am in the present. I have become aware of my own existence. I am happy to be alive and want to be who I was created to be.
I want some minas. Ten of them, to be exact, and I won’t burry them this time.
This time, there is no more quitting. This time, someone will have to punch me, restrain me, or spit in my face, before I resign. Even then. There is no quitting.
Patience has become my every day tool.
I tell myself not to try so hard, even when my heart and mind starts racing, and I’m packing all my gear again.
When I hurl insults upon myself in the bathroom mirror, I reach for a little patience. I know that eventually I will get to bed, and when I wake up I can start again tomorrow.
I looked at myself in the mirror again today, and that voice didn’t dare to make a sound. It knew better. This time I was ready. This time I was watching.
The world is forever changing.
Some things are just not meant for today. They will be made easier tomorrow.
We need to be patient with ourselves. Patient with our mistakes and failures. Patient with the time it takes to live our dreams. Patience brings us peace and love. It also helps us to avoid that push and pull. All or nothing. That never ending jerking motion of our conflicting desires.
Patience smooths our stubborn pride.
We need to try a little more patience.
Try to breathe.
Get ready to fail.